I'm so tired

of being the girl that is the third wheel. I want to have a boy where one of my friends gets to have the feeling of being the third wheel. well...really, I just wanted to be kissed. I'm so tired of being so naive, so behind, so unnoticed.
it fucking sucks.

I just wish that I wasn't so self concious. I have been trying to loose weight, but its not working. I should really go to the gym more. I need to find time to go. I sit on my ass all the time doing stupid homework. It's no wonder theres the freshman 15. We don't do anything because we are stuck doing gay homework.

I wish I knew how to talk to guys. I seriously suck at it. I never know what to say to them. I am always a mumbling idiot. There is this one boy who I'm not sure why I like. He's not my type. At all. He doesn't have tattoos, he doesn't have that "bad boy" look...hes just nice. And idk, whenever I try to talk to him, nothing comes out of my mouth. I open it, but nothing...I've never felt this way towards a guy, usually I tend to flirt too much, when then turns the guy away from me and makes him think I am a total weirdo. But with him, idk, I can't even speak to him. But the more I try to speak, the less I can, I can't even form a sentence in my head. I get the most butterflies I have ever gotten, and I feellike I'm dreaming.

I just don't get it. He makes me feel like a total idiot, but I have no fucking idea.

Screw it. Nothing will happen. He will never notice me, I will never be able to say anything to him to get me to notice him, I will grow up single, alone, and with a bunch of dogs instead of cats, since i'm allergic.

but my dogs will love me...

Well, hey there.

So, lately all of my blogs have maily been blogs where I just vent. I am going to change that. I am just going to talk about college and how awesome its been in my first 5 weeks.

So, my roomie, Liz, is freaking AWESOME. She is super nice and we are alot alike. She is really funny too. Band is a ton of fun. I love going to the the football games. I've met a ton of new people at school. Its been rad. I have been getting pretty ballin on the ukulele, aaaand, i've just been having a good ole time; while keeping up with homework and such.

I have spent a few latenights at the library all ready working on french. Been late to class, slept through part of a class, class has been cancelled, had my phone go on in class and my teacher like my ringtone. And pretty much drank my weight in coffee. Its grand. I drink way too much coffee. I think I may be addicted. I tend to make my coffee and then forget it. So then I'll be falling asleep in class and then i will waste some of my DB dollars on an einsteins coffee, but its okay, cause that coffee is amazing.

We are on our 2nd half time show, 90s rock. Its pretty rad. I like it. We have these cool runs in our show. I officially hate being a mello. I am going to play something else next year, for reals. I hate the people in the section. They can all go sit in a freezer for a while. ....I really don't know where that came from.... But I mean, coming drunk or high to practice? Really? Really? I don't get it. Be a little professional. All the other sections seems to always have fun, but no, not the mellos, we have a crappy section leader and cliques within our section. I am playing trumpet. I am getting out of the mello section. For reals.

My classes are really easy. All they do is talk at me. So i just sit there and doodle on my notes since they put all the notes online. I should really be studying for my MIS midterm, but I've been studying for about an hour everyday on it...I'll study before I go to bed. SO MUCH STUDYING. HOLY GUACAMOLE. I knew there was going to be a lot of studying, but wow, I didn't think it was going to be this much. Oh well...I can handle it. It's really not that hard.

I bought a sweatshurt yesterday. I love it. It just saus University of Memphis on it. And its blue, but I love it. Its a nice sweatshurt. Yes, I spelled it "shurt." Just cause I didn't feel like changing it. So THERE !

yes. My shift button wasn't working for a second. It wouldn't let me capitalize "there." Whatajerk.

I just made more coffee. I need to stop ! but I'm up late studying, and it does keep me awake, so its good. I think i'ma go to Einstiens tonight after band, I wanted to go to the volleyball game...but no...all the spots were taken. I really hope I get to be in Road Band. It would be so much fun !

I audtitioned for pep band two weeks ago, havn't found out if im in it or not. It s a $1000 scholarship. I really hope I got it. I want to be in pep band. I like band. Just not the mellos. :P

Yesh. I havn't been writing in my journal since the cruise. Its bad. I feel like i am forgetting important events that have happened in my life.

OH! Tmrw is Up 'Til Dawn letter writing ! I am excited ! It will be fun. I am excited I get to help out with St. Jude and stuff. It shall be fun.
Yes.


well I should get back to my homework and get ready for band.........UGH


IMOUTIE.

What happened to 'natural beauty'?

Why the fuck does my sister think that the reason behind me being single is because I don't wear make up? What the fuck? I hate wearing make-up, I just wear mascara. I think I look weird in make up and trashy. I hate girls who wear the caked on make-up, cause basically, it makes you look like whore.

For real. Look at yourself. Thats not really you. I want a guy to like me for the person I really am, not the slut that has to hide behind the make up. I feel pretty without makeup, I don't need it to make me feel good about the way look or feel. I love who I am, but I hate having a, what most guys call "hot" sister. Shes a fucking pom girl whos skinny and has all the looks. Pretty much the girls I hated in high school. They were the ones that always had a guy and were always seen. I've always been the invisible one. No one ever notices me. I'm always forgotten. I'm always on the backburner; in the back of peoples minds, or not even in them. I'm the person that people won't remember from high school. I feel like I am an average Jane.

I really wish I didn't have a sister. I wish I was an only child, or at least I didn't have sister like the one I have now. I feel like I'm the younger naive sister. I feel like shes always there telling me what to do to get a guy. I don't want a fucking guy like the guys she has chasing after her cause shes "hot". I don't want to be "hot" I want to be pretty, or beautiful. Those are the true compliments.

Why has our generation become so shallow? All people want now is a "sexy" girl to take back to their room. They don't care about the personality to her. Nothing ever changes.

I come back everyweekend, and the more I come back, I dread seeing my sister. If it was just my mom and dad I would be fine. I could really careless about seeing my sister.

I know I'm pretty. I don't need fucking make-up to make me pretty. Its this thing called 'natural beauty' that make-up industries keep trying to get you to buy their "natural beauty" make-up thats supposed to make it look like you aren't wearing any make-up. Whats the point? why buy more make-up to cake on to make it look like you're not wearing any? I must not be a real girl, but where is the reasoning behind that?

I wash my face and all that, and all i really need to look good is long eyelashes, and i'm ready to go.

Fuck make-up.
Fuck trying to look "hot"
Aim for beautiful and pretty and finding a guy who will say those words to you instead of "Damn, you look hot" then you'll know you have found the best guy in the world.

i'm really trying

to be strong through everything i do; but i'm finding out that it just gets harder. I know i am strong enough to go through college and all that...but other stuff...not so much.

Everything I do gets harder. Starting college and having to make new friends, the new pressures, everything. its alot to take in. I find myself sitting in my room just doing to make my room look rad. I know that i should be out meeting new people, but i'm so fucking self concious that it has turned me into a prisonner to myself. I hate going out and feeling like someone is making me fun of the way I look, my weight or just anything. I try so hard to not think about this, people tend to think that i am stronger and i don't care about what others think, but sometimes its all i think about. I hate it. I hate how much of a loser i feel like sometimes; I hate how i feel like i'm not strong enough to do somethings, I hate how i put myself down all the time; I hate how i feel like i'm not someone my sister can look up to.

I never like to tell anyone about this cause I don't want to seem like i can't handle certain things, I just go on with my day and put this on the back burner.

I really hope that with college comes more strength, more wisdom, and more fun. I know it will bring the latter ;)

Classes start monday and i can't begin to tell you how nervous I am. I just want my first two days to get over with, once those are done, i'll be good.

we just have to sit back and see what happens.



time to sit on a bench and play my uke.

so my life

has been pretty amazing atm. I just got back from frosh camp yesterday. which was A BLAST !
I want to go back so bad. I love my frosh camp family. I shall nao tell yew about what had happened at ze frosh camp

first day:
we get there go to our cabins meet our family go do some stuff. party at the mixer.
Second day:
family olympics. shaving cream fight. tornado warning. get super tight with my family. no mixer :( but it was still amazing
third day:
woke up 3 minutes before we had to be at the pavillion sand our amazing breakfast song that we thought was going to suck. cardboard boat race. we won the boat cheer (only thing we won HOOrah !) danced a ton at the mixer. tried to learn a dance. failed. but kind of learned it. said our goodbyes and became a memphis tiger.
last day:
got up cleaned said our last goodbyes gave our last hugs and left. it was sad.

but i hope to see pretty much everyone again. which im sure i will. cause we were all rad like that.

there was sooooooo much more that happened. but since i am running on about 8 hours of sleep in 2 days...i can't really think straight right now....

i got a ukulele. its beautiful. its black. and super cute. its out of tune. but i still love him. his name is oliver. well...idk...i will probley change it. to like....something cooler. but for now. he is oliver.


i'm about to fall asleep.
we have another dog here. that hates me. and i am not too fond of it either.
i like biiig dogs. like labs and st bernards and bulldogs. not toy poodles. they are so weird looking. and this one. ugh. its so dumb. it barks and growls and is DUMB. end of story.

k

time for sleep.

or to just play my uke for a little bit.
yes.
i like the latter.


I'MOUTIE.

Lately

I have done soo much stuff lately.


i will be doing two posts tonight.

this one. that I wrote on the cruise ship. and then another about what has happened in the past few days.

woooooo


Blog for the Lonely
Well, here I am sitting alone in my room on the rocking cruise ship. I feel like suck a loser, but its whatever. So were on our way to Anchorage Alaska the last stop on our journey. Its quite sad, but I’m ready to get home. Liz has made a bunch of friends on the cruise, me on the other hand, none. I don’t care…..well…maybe a little. Cause if I had, I wouldn’t be here writing a blog on my Microsoft works to later post on my actual blog once I have internet. Death Cab gets me through a lot; especially “Someday You Will Be Loved.” I have been making videos lately to put on you tube. I have made aton but nothing really good enough to put on the tube of you. But man, these ones are pretty rad if I don’t say so myself. We went whale watching in Juneau. It was amazing. I got so many pictures of teir tails. It was spectacular. They are so beautiful majestic creatures. I wish I was a whale. We saw some bald eagles too. It was the first time that I have seen one other than in the zoo. I’ve tried a bunch of new foods. Its been a lot of firsts this trip. Frosh camp is coming up. Im a little nervous cause I am painfully shy. Its bad. Really bad. But Lauren will be there. So I think I can deal. GAH I FUCKING WANT INTERNET ! I hate hate HATE not having internet. I wish it was free. Why does it have to cost .75 a minute?! I got a little beanie in Ketchikan. It is handmade. It is nice. I love it. I got terrible hat hair from it. But its all good. I wish lauren Brittany or Ashley were here. The cruise would be AWESOME if they were. Oh damn I just looked at myself in the mirror and damn I look good. I should go strut around. Be are be.
*strutting around the ship*
A French guy said I looked nice. En francais. So I guess that’s good….that’s all that happened. Oh well…
I got some nail polish that changes colors in the sun.
I need to write a meaningful blog again, instead of this shit.
I want to write about how I wish that I had found some people to hang out with on the boat; but honestly, I don’t give a shit. I have had fun and I am acutally having fun sitting out on our balcony looking into the fog, not knowing what the hell is next while death cab plays in the background; and I feel really happy. I love this feeling. I don’t need people to be friends with me if they only want to be my friends because of the way I look. I want friends who just want to be friends. And I have them. I think that’s why I havn’t tried to make any new firnds. Cause I just don’t care. I like sitting with my technology writing about what I love and loving what I write. I want to write all the stuff that I have done on my trip…but I don’t feel like it.
Go watch it on my you tube !
youtube.com/0hlucy
Go !
I have been dying without twitter. I turned my device updates off on accident. And now I cant check it. Its driving me crazy. I miss my internet. The red “X” on my internet signal is not a pretty picture. It sucks. I can’t crack the code to get on the internet without having to pay for it.
AUGH.
Screw it. The boat is rocking so much. Its so much fun. I love it. I wish I had a boat. I want to live in Juneau. It is so nice there. I love it. Im going to live in Alaska. Its my heaven. It never gets hot its cold pretty much year round its beautiful there’s ocean I could have a boat. Its perfect. Im tired. I think I may just go look down at stuff to go listen to the guy play guitar. Hes rad.
I hate putting rewetting drops in my eyes. That freaks me out.
So our waiters in the dinning hall are so cool. Assadee and Robert. Robert says he is our big brother he is so cool. He’s from the Phillipines and Assadee is from Thailand. Ils sont super chouette !
Mmmyes the beatles. Quite lovely.
Oh wow. I have written two pages. I am such a loser. I need to go walk around again….I think I may go look at our pictures.
They take so many pictures of us on the ship. Its crazy but they are funny.
Ima go get muh mama and go do that junt. Be ARE be againnn
　
So I grouped all my pictures from the cruise and now they are gone. Terrible. I can’t find them…oh well. Whatever. My mom and I just went and got some coffee and we listened to some people doing karaoke. One guy was reallyyy good. It was crazy. The next….not so much. So I went to “The Jungle” to tell my monster of a sister not to call the room cause no one is there and then she was like look my sisters 18 she needs some friends. Gee thanks, bitch.
I don’t get her. I’m not cool enough for her. I hate being her sister. Shes the cute skinny pom girl and then theres me. The quiet nerdy not so small band geek. Whatever. I’m sure I will win in life anyways. She only has looks.
All I can say is I look damn good in this hat.
I guess I could edit a video. I have nothing better to do. I can’t wait to get home and hang out with my friends. I can’t wait to go to Frosh camp ! Wo0p wo0p !
Tmrw is an all day at sea day. I wonder what I will end up doing ?
OHH ! There is a class to learn how to make towel animals ! that’s what I’ll be doing !! n_______n
Well I highly doubt anyone will even read all this. So ima just go ahead and go and edit some videos.
　
I’MOUTIE !

So, Today, I got bored

and decided to look at a phobia list for some reason... And mainly I know I am scared of being forgotten, large open places, peacocks, jellyfish, and those pool cleaner things that look like robots.

well, they have the first two, but no fear of peacocks or the pool things or jelly fish. how dumb.

so lately I have been watching alot of movies. I love movies. They are grand. I can't wait to go on my cruise. It shall be grand.

oh yeah, I have a fear of closed shower curtains also ! man, I'm scared of weird things.

So i saw wicked.

holyshizzz

It was amazing. I loved it. The cast. Amazing. The songs. Awesome. it was just all around

super.

I had a s'mores party a few nights ago. and we went to Mississippi to buy fireworks.

I bought a lighter. And so did everyone else except for Kelsey and Ashley.

I alsmot bought a cigar, but chickened out.

but oh well.

I may put a picture of my tiny lighter.

probley not.

So I can't wait to start school. Band camp starts August 19.

but ya see, I took my French Placement Test, and got in to French 2.

and now I can't rearrange my schedule without screwing something else up.

It's so dumb.

I want to see the movie Funny Guys. or whatever with Seth Rogan and Adam Sandler

It looks quite funny.

My life has been normal. minus the fact that I have made some new friends in France.

He's coo'.

Go Follow me on Twitta.

twitter.com/0hlucy

yeah its ZEROhlucy=0hlucy

get it right get it tight.

well, I should go showa.

IM.OUTIE.

Athazagoraphobia

It's really sad

how I've lost the friends who I thought I was closest too. The people I grew up hanging out with, the people I have the most memories with. I feel like it could be my fault, but its not all mine. I feel like a part of my past really means nothing. That everything might have just been fake.



After graduation and all the graduation parties, that was, I guess, my final goodbye. I havn't talked to those people since then. I hate it. I didn't want that to happen. But, I guess thats what is and what will happen.



The more I look forward to college, the better it looks. The more friends, new possibilities, new image, new everything. Just a fresh start. thankgoodness.



It is like I have in a way, just replaced these old friends who have been by my side all my life. But it seems to be for the best. They weren't the first people I would call up for a shouulder to lean on. But they were on the list of people to call. I never felt like I was truly accepted with them.



Wow, repeat of last blog? Yes.



I need some new stuff.



hmmmm...lets see here.



Fathers Day. Yeah, lets start there.

So I got some new sunglasses today. They are fake ray bans. I'm thinking about buying some real raybans, but I don't trust myself, I loose things too easily.

I need to find a freaking job.. But, no place is hiring. AT ALL. Major suckage.

I really want to play some lacrosse. I miss it. I need to. I can't wait to start school. woooooo.

I don't know what to write...everything I do write, I delete it cause I'm scared if that person will read it and get pissed and so the drama begins. so just screw that.

Its time to let go of the past, Lucy. Shut up and move forward. I need to stop being dumb. and go for a run.

and thats what ima do...tomorrow...cause its late and i could get kidnapped.

you know whats really sad? With all the technology in the world today, no one has created smell-o-vision. I hate this.

BAHAHAHA I just read one of my old notes on facebook. I totally forgot about this

"So today I went to the Fresh Market to get some Orangina. But somehow I found myself on the Ice Cream Aisle.I was looking at my favorite ice cream, Cookie dough, and I then looked at the price, $7.32.I was like WTF. Why the deuce is ice cream $7.32 ?!I picked up the box and started reading.It said vegitarian...I would like to know what jerk at the ice cream factory is sneaking meat into my cookie dough ice cream"

bahahahaha.

you know what I also want to know. Who the hell came up with ties? Who would look down at their shirt and be like "Hmmm, I think there needs to be a piece of fabric here." I mean really?! whaaaaaaat?

When it's raining it's like the clouds are pissing on us.

you know how people sit in a chair backwards...why not toilets?

sometimes i wonder if when a volcano errupts...its like it has flatulance.

i hate birds.

don't throw rocks at people...why the hell would you do that anyways?

bubbles are the most bipolar thing in this entire world...one minute they're up the next minute they're down.

You know when you have a dream within a dream...that's trippy

penguins can't fly, I suggest we attach 200 balloons to it so it knows what it's missing

I want a tee shirt, made of t's

A E I O U and sometime Y because he doen't like to hang out with those fuckers all the time

bahahahahaha. Where did I come up with these?!

augh I miss my gbf.

I can't take it...well i guess i can.

It's so hard to make an impression on people when all they notice is how I am a little bit bigger than most people, and how they just don't remember me cause I never speak up or do anything that's worth remembering.

My biggest fear in the world is not being remembered. And I feel like I am going down the path of being forgotten. I feel like I havn't made an impression on anyone...yet.

I'm still young; I still have time to do this. But my 100 years left, doesn't seem long enough.

Everything I do, my sister seems to find a way to make me feel unoriginal, which is mainly why I feel this way. It's not easy have a younger sister who is on the pom team, has that pom girl body, is cute and attractive...and then theres me, the band geek, who never speaks up, doesn't know how to talk to boys, and is so scared to be going to college --even though its only 35 minutes away from home.

I know I am comfortable in my skin, I am happy about the way I am, but there are just points how I hate how it seems to hold me back from things i could do.

I mainly hate how people are incapable of accepting the way I am. They are unable to accept the fact that I am happy the way I am.

These losers need to get over themselves. Not everyone is one of the "beautiful people" And I hate how I sometimes feel like I have to live up to those standards.

Yeah....I'm totally contradicting myself...but I'm coming to realize, as I write this blog, that it doesn't matter how other people look at me, but how I look at myself.

And after this, through my tears, I feel comfortable and happy with how I am.

This past year has been a rough one, but it has taught me so much. It has taught me how I can only trust myself. And I need to take my heart off my sleve and put it on the shelf. The year has taught me who my true friends are, even if I have only been friends with them for a year. It has taught me how its okay to still act like a kid and play some hide and seek and freeze tag. It has taught me to be happy with the life I live and live it to the fullest.

I truly do love myself and everyone around me.

It just took this blog to show me.

Sorry for the crap at the start...but that crap showed me what is really great in life.

It's not what you look like, or how you act, its just about the people you meet and knowing that they like you for you, and not the way you look or what you do.

And I love that about my new awesome friends.

I guess this could be a thank you to you guys for just being there, even though we are all going to colleges far away, i know that i can just call you up if i need you.

what a crappy thank you haha, but it is worth something and is from the heart.

i love you all.

even the ones in st. louis.

thank youuu

IMOUTIE.

so, I'm a high school graduate.

Wow...how long has it been? Along time..thats what.
A ton has happened. I scored 14 goals in my lacrosse career. And the winning goal in one game ! I'm thinking about playing for Memphis cause they are starting up a girls team and I don't want to stop playing...but I may just find a club league cause it will probley take up a ton of time........so yeah.... I Graduated High school, Made money, job hunted, and did tons of crap.

Oh, I played hide and seek and freeze tag at the park at midnight. I got a laptop. Its super cool. his name is Maxwell. He's a Dell. I love him.

I went to a ton of parties. Graduation parties. I got a buttload of towels. Less cleaning of towels haha. I have started to babysit these two rad kids. I love them, they are so entertaining.

So, I'm going to orientation tomorrow for Memphis. I'm excited. Its a two day thing where we get to stay in a dorm and get our classes and meet other freshies and hang out and learn the ins and outs of the campus. I'm excited.

We got our yearbooks on May 8th. They are okay. Not very many places to write little notes to other people, so I wrote in the index. But it was still awesome. I have been out of school since the 12th. Graduated the 18th, and my sister just got out of school today. Ah, the perks of being a senior.

I can't wait to be in college. I can't wait to start band camp ! itWill be awesome.

hmm...what else have I been up to?...
I've just been haning out. I passed all my classes with flying colors. Got 4 years perfect attendance in school and got a stupid savings bond for it. how dumb. very dumb. oh well...

I got this awesome laptop bag. Its leopard print. Its so pretty. I heart it.

OH PROM! duhh. hahaha. totally forgot. It was super fun. It was old hollywood themed. I looked pretty and so did everyone else. I had a floorlength teal dress and got my hurr all did old hollywood style. I loved it. we danced. but first we went to the meltingpot. holy smokes ! that place was good !! I've never been there before. so it was super fun. Cooking our food. haha. I realy liked the shrimp and the teriyaki beef and the chicken and the cheese and the food and everything. It was so muich fun. but it took foreverrrr. we got there at 7 and didn't leave until 10. so we had 2 hours at the prom. well actually like and hour and a half. but whatevvvs it was still awesome.


welp...time to go pack for orientation ! wo0t!

IMOUTIE








OH!!
Follow me on twitter !
twitter/0hlucy !

n_n

so I will be getting a job

someplace....hopefully real soon. I will be applying at the movie theater. I hope i get a job cause I really wanna buy me a flip mino hd video camera. I want one sooooo bad. I am going to get one with a gold fish on it. it will be so cute.


but yeah I have around 80 bucks to my name. I am in neeeeed of money. And there is not a store at the mall that is hiring so I will apply at the movie theater....woooo. and get my 300 bucks to buy me this camera.

I want it.

So the Varsity lacrosse team won their first game on friday !
IT was awesome !!!

24 days of school ! I have straight A's right now. That makes my life. I maybe exempt from my Algebra 2 exam !! I hope so. I really do. Then i would get out on May 8th. That would make my life.

chyeaa bruh.
i should do my homework.
IMOUTIE.

oh, my.

I apologize in advance. I was bored out of my mind...

In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal for a moose to walk on the side walk.

It is against the law to whale hunt in Oklahoma.

In Michigan, it is illegal to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.

In Alabama it is illegal to carry a comb in your pocket, because it may be used as a weapon.

Phobatrivaphobia:Fear of trivia about phobias

fuck

I need to get out. I need to go someplace where its just me and my thoughts. I can't stand being around my family anymore. It's time for me to leave. I want to get out of the house and be gone for a loooong time. I can't stand my stupid brat of a little sister.

I hate this godforsaken town I live it. It's too fucking small. I hate it. I want to get out or just disappear for a while. I'm so tired of trying to reason with my stupid little demon of a sister. I am giving up on trying to win anything anymore. I'm so tired of everything. I just want to drive to someplace where I don't know anyone and I don't have to talk to anyone and everyone will just leave me alone. I have too much bottled up inside, I'm about to explode. I don't know if I am capable of keeping it in much longer.

The delete key is my favorite thing at the moment.
There is so much that you will never see.
that you will never know.
that you will ever hear.

I feel like a total loser, but I don't know how to deal with this. I don't even know whats wrong.

....well then....That was my little mental breakdown.
I hate those....

everything will be fine once its spring break and I can just get away from the loser people at school and just all that and just relax...which is what I really need.

I am pouring my heart into everything I do, and get little back and that just gets to me. I shouldn't let it get to me...but I do.

I guess this is way that I tend to just expolde and let what's in my head to have a release valve...but it doesn't let everything out...or that would be bad.

I hate the weather. I want it to be warm.
I love Carolina Liar.

I want a macbook...my dad has been telling me that that's what I would be getting when I graduate...but no...now I have to get a stupid PC. I don't want a goddamn PC. I want a mac.

I don't want to minor in music. I want to minor in photography. I don't know if i want to keep my major anymore. The more I look into it, the more difficult it seems...and I'm nervous.. I don't know if I am ready for all of this. I'm not sure if I am ready to just make new friends when I finally found ones that I know will always be there. The closer graduation comes...the more nervous I get. I mean, I'm only going to Memphis...but i'm still scared.

I need some coffee or something. I hate crying. I started today in band. I almost had a breakdown. Spring break isn't coming fast enough. I need it now. I need to get away for a while.

I'm going over to Megan's to watch CSI tonight. I love her, she always makes me feel better. She's not really a junior to me, she seems older than me. I look up to her. She is pretty much how I want to be...hopefully one day I will be as strong as her.

*sigh*

well...I think thats enough of a release for now...
sorry for this utterly depressing thing....but, I mean, everyone has these days, and you just got to let it out somewhere.

so yeah

I scored a goal in my lacrosse game ! :D

I really want the new Bo Burnham cd. I have enough money on my iTunes account....but i'm cheap.
so....can you say graduation present....? :)))



spring break is this coming week !!


66 DAYS UNTIL GRADUATION.


im so boring....

SNOW

is so much fun. We got around 6 inches. which is a ton for here. It was real snow too. not the gross ice kind that gives you a massive bruise if you chunk it at someone. it was so much fun.

too bad it was on a weekend. Its just not as fun on a weekend. Its so much more fun if you're missing school. but oh well.

Prom is coming up....in 3 months. Everyone is already being all frantic about it. They are making a huuuuge deal. I could really care less. Yeah, its senior prom. but come on. I'm not going to spend a buttload of money. Tickets are going to be like90230498 bucks. then a limo. then food. i'll pass on the food. just give me mcdonalds or something. and i'll be good. but whatever. i can tell that all this hype will end up bringing me down.

i havn't written in my journal or on here in foreverrr. like really written. its dissappointing. there was something i wanted to say, but i can't remember. guess it wasn't that important.

i went and saw taken last friday. holy smokes ! it was super good. i love it. go see it if you havn't. after mel, catava and i went to starbucks and to our surprise there was a battle of the bands there. and it was super fun. I hung out with lauren g. hopefully my future roomie if i ever get a call back from memphis. but yeah. it was ballin. the next one is march 13 at square beans. lauren and i are gunna find us a man. hahaha. we so weird. but i love us.

so yeah. i took my national french exam today. and i think i got about 3 right. that bitch was hard.

i got hit in the face yesterday at lacrosse. oh it felt wonderful ! but i was fine. that will teach me to stay out of the shooting lane of the opponent. haha.

i want the musicfest lineup to come out. i want to know who is playing ! i hope ben folds comes again. and actually plays. that would make my life. seeing ben folds play. i love him.

friedchicken.

so yes,

I am sorry for never posting. i am just super busy with lacrosse

i played my first game ever last wednesday. it was so much fun. im on jv. and we are better than varsity. well not really we just play easier teams. we lost 11-6 hellz to the yes

i saw taken last night

and that is the best movie on the face of the planet. seriously

ITS SNOWING

BAI.

oh yeah

i forgot to talk about lacrosse ! well practice started last week. our coach is awesome. and im getting pretty good. my knees hurt from all the running but im pumped to play. its gunna be nillab.

ellen mel and i decorated our bags because everyone has the same one. they are beautiful. you'd be jealous.

we helped some people get a plane out of a tree yesterday. it was fun. daniel climbed the tree. it was pretty funny. they got it out by climbing ontop of their van. but it was fun

i'm really tired

i should prolbey go do my MWDS.



okay.......


asdlkhjouoiasdfBYEasdlkfjas;dljkf

this past week

was amazing.
I turned 18 ! oh yes. I played lasertag. Got an interview for a $5500 scholarship ! and other stuff


oh yes. so i'm now 18. i am now legal. I can now order a SHAMWOW off television. :))
For my birthday, I went to play lasertag at laserquest. It was fun. Well, the first game was fun. The 2nd game was....not so much. There were these 3 over weight long nasty hair psp hooked onto their belt annoying jerk nerds there. One of their "codenames" was "laserKING". yes, it was typed just like that. He took all the fun out of the game. I hated him. but it was superfun. I liked it



so the grammys were last night, and this has nothing to do with anything i was talking about, but kings of leon were up for a bunch of awards and thats just super cool cause a few years ago when they were nobodys my family and i were on our way back home from california and we were at the nashville airport and there were these guys that looked like they were in a band cause they had their guitars and they just looked the part. well, this band happened to be kings of leon. the guitarist kept kicking my chair. and he said sorry and we talked. it was awesome.
its just weird to think about how i have ridden on a plane with this band that was nominated for about 4 grammys. it just boggles the mind haha.

i asked my mom if i could be a caterpillar and she said that i couldn't because i'm a human, not a bug... it made me sad. i really want to be a caterpillar.



oh and my amazing joke ::: you could make a pencil with erasers on both sides, but honestly, what would be the point?
oh yesss. hahaha.
im a comedic genuis.
:)

IMOUTIE.

What an event filled week

Soooo. How's it going? Good. Havn't talked to you in a while. I'm good. Thanks for asking.

well. Lacrosse has started. We had our first practice today. It was ballin. WOO.

I had all west last week. If you don't know what that is...I'll explain. It is when band nerds all across west tennessee audition for a spot in 3 different bands. There is only 22 French Horn spots. and I got 3rd Chair in Red Band, Granted thats the lowest band. But out of 322 french horns, and there only being 22 spots. I think i did pretty damn well. but its a 3 day thing where we meet and learn about 5 songs in two days then have a concert to show off our amazing musical ablities. then say goodbye and get facebooks and numbers to all of our new friends and go back to the sucky high school band where a majority of the people there can't play their intruments. I love all west. I'm sad that it was my last time to do it.
oh man, it was awesome.
I saw all my friends that I made last year at all west and just had alot of fun cause more people from my school made it this year ! There was a fire alarm in the middle of the night......I had to run down 17 flights of stairs....and there wasn't even a fire. How stupid. But i was really sad standing outside because i forgot my horn in the room....soooo. Idecide that i'm going to start playing Ricky (thats my horn's name). Just so you know, its about 1 in the morning. so, i open my hotel door and start playing my horn in the hallway. i blast a scale. a few times. then people started getting mad. so i played some more.
i love pissing people off sometimes.

it was fun. I want to go back. all west needs to be long than 2 days. so I can miss more school. oh yeah. i got to miss 2 days of school. well i really missed 3 cause we had a snowday on wednesday. so i only went to school on monday and tuesday. it was niiiiice



guess what

I'LL BE 18 TOMORROW !

ahh hell. ima be legal yesssssss.

i;m pretty pumped. i;m going to play lasertag for my party. its gunna be ballin.

ohhhh yessss.

i should probley go study for my econ test that i have to make up at freaking 6:20 in the morning. gahh. that stinks.

IMOUTIE

I used to be

really good at posting on this thing almost everyday. but now....I just don't have the energy anymore.


I HAVE 5 SUBSCRIBERS ON MY YOUTUBE !! yay !
that makes me happy.

if you are someone other than Danielle, go subscribe.
youtube.com/0hlucy.
(the 0 is a zero)


I saw a shooting star a few nights ago. I made a wish. I hope it comes true.

I played pool last night with alicia and anthony. I am a hustler and I didn't even know it.
granted, i wasn't even playing the game right, but yeah. haha. i can dream cant i?!

theres 111 days until I graduate !!! yayayayayay !!




I really want to be on the real world.



I am legal next tuesday.

yessss.










HUGGABOO

Wow, that was weird.

In my last blog, I wrote about the one best friend I had when I was little, Bubba, and today in the mail we get their christmas card.


weird. haha.

I never knew his name was chris...thats pretty sad...
I was only like 5. don't hate.

i wonder if he has a facebook.
If he does, I wonder if he would remember me like I remember him...?

I really think that its because

I havn't been in school that I havn't been posting.

And its getting to me.

I feel a loss from not posting. During the day, while im driving in my car, or talking to my friends or family, I'll say to myself, "I need to blog about this" and then I get home late around midnight or later, and just plop on the bed without writing my journal or posting on here. It's quite depressing cause then I loose all the juicy details of my day because I fell asleep.

ButI got home from Breakthru a few days ago and I feel as if I am a changed person. Its just crazy how 4 days of just spending time with God can change you so much.

This trip made me realize who my real friends are. I was heading down a path where I hated my life and I never let it show to anyone, I never even wrote about for the fear of someone reading it and questioning me about it and telling someone to try to get help. It was just a rough patch in my life. And i must say that I'm pretty damn good at hiding it. But, by just spending those few days just letting myself unwind and talk to God released all these feelings and made me understand that things will get better this coming year.

I finally realized who my true friends are. Through the 17 years I have lived on this planet, I have never really had a "best friend." Well I did when I was real little. His name was bubba, we played power rangers. But ever since I moved away from him, I've never had that one person that I could just sit around with in the silence and feel comfortable. Well, actually I found a person like that, but she had to go and leave all alone. but its all good. I have plenty of friends. I honestly don't want a best friend. I would rather have a ton of close friends that I could hang out with and just sit around and be a bunch of lazy teenagers with. Which I do, and I am extremly grateful for that.

I don't know where I am going with this... I am just typing whatever comes to mind. No one will ever read this, except for Danielle cause she's awesome. and a stalker. No, I'm jking. haha. But, I guess Breakthru showed me that its better for me not to have just one little group of friends to hang out with. It is sad to me that the group that I had hung out with throughout all of high school, I now feel awkward to be with. I feel as if I am being judged and looked at like an animal in a cage. I don't feel comfortable around the people I have grown up with. I guess thats the main reason I had been feeling like such shit because I felt I had no one to run to. Which i why i blog, and journal. Blogging and journaling are the two things i know that I can alway go to. to just let loose and let my feelings expolde onto a page or the internet.

Man, I had never really felt like God ever really cared about me, because nothing ever seemed to work in my favor. But over the past week or so, he showed me that he has been working in my favor my whole life. He made me a strong woman and showed me that I am able to take care of myself and know who I can count on and lean on.

It took me about 12 years to realize that these people were only friends, not best friends. Now that I only have about 130 days left of high school, I am going to make them last before I leave behind all the people I could have become friends with if I had tried. I know I will be a strong individual and able to go on by myself to make new lifelong friends. And I can't begin to tell you how pumped I am.

IMOUTIE.